@WookieOnUnicorn: turns out Xenophobia is not 'A fear of Warrior Princesses'
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@kumailn: Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver's eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.
@BDGarp: Me: Have fun on your date. Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high? Me: You really aren't my kid are you?
@murrman5: is your name melissa? "yes" are you married? "to you sadly" yes or no please "yes" do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?