I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
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How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.
[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Friendly advice: Don’t compare your girlfriend to an avocado. Even if she IS the good kind of fat.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
It takes more muscles to frown than smile, so I’ll consider this my workout for the day