turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
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I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Education is vital
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”