turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’

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I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.


How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?


god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal


I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*


Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.


[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…


Friendly advice: Don’t compare your girlfriend to an avocado. Even if she IS the good kind of fat.


Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”


It takes more muscles to frown than smile, so I’ll consider this my workout for the day