turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
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Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them: