turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
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[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
IT’S-A ME,
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
why no one uses midhusbands
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this