Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
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*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
murder on the timeline