Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.