Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
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*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
where do you see yourself in five years?
Mapping America’s Far Right
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?