Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
You Might Also Like
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.