Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
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Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
First I was a pebble..
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.