Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.