Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
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People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
The struggle is real
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am