Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?

Me: A terrified doctor.

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

Happy thanksgiving

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…