Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished

until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.