Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”