Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

.. do you even science?

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI