Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦‍♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦‍♂️😏🤦‍♂️😉🤦‍♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen