[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
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People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.