[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
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College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.