Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

Person: *yelling at me*

Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better

Person: *abruptly shutting up*

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog

He’s a ladies man

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

Me too 😆

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.