Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

men are simple creatures

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

bad
worse
worst
worchester

Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head

Well. That’s not a good sign.

A table tale✨

#TheRingsOfPower

Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?