Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”

-Costco.

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

This guy gets it.

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year