Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

Take it from me

Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

Thanks to a fan for this one!

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.