Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up

me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”

*starts driving*

“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?