Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

Doctor: Please step on the scale

Me: No weigh

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

channeling her this year

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.

Me: Wow! What were you?

Toddler: Godzilla!

Me: And what was your friend?

Toddler: Scared!

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.