[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
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Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!