[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
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When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
The police never think its as funny as you do.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Husband of the year 😂
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING