*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
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Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
The internet is full of many things
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.