*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
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Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
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Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
An odd boast
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair