Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat

Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?

Me:

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

ME: “Aloe Vera”

VERA: “Aloe”

“I love Worcestershire sauce.”

“What’s so special about it?”

“It’s hard to say.”

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.