Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

Traveler’s camo

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

Frog: WAKE ME UP!

Snake: Wake me up inside!

Me: I’m Absolutely broke

State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!

#wtfuture

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.