Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
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Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
why would tinder want me to say this
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
If you need a laugh.. 😅
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨