@Book_Krazy

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

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@GinAndJif

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

@BrassBallsCJ

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

@schlimp

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

@ArfMeasures

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

@E_lok44

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

@freezingsheep

If I hear a bang when I’m driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier.

Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.

@timdonakowski

It’s okay if “buoyancy” makes you happy — whatever floats your boat.