So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
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In hell, everyone can see your Google search history.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
If I hear a bang when I’m driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier.
Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.
It’s okay if “buoyancy” makes you happy — whatever floats your boat.