Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?


911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

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If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.


Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!


Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi


Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what


“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard


If I hear a bang when I’m driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier.

Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.


It’s okay if “buoyancy” makes you happy — whatever floats your boat.