turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
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I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Okay, I’m still confused…
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.