turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
You Might Also Like
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.