turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
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My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
☠️☠️☠️
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
and this one
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!