TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
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if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
awkward
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.