Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

money maker

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

[First Date]

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”

*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.