turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
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My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I don’t get marriage
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Money is the root of all wealth
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
My Plans 2020
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lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
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ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?