Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge

Not recommended for beginners.

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…