Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

my name if I was in the mob

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?