Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.

Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.

bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazy

Ordered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

The devil.

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot