turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
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Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town