Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

🙅🏻

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*

[framing store]

SALESPERSON: how can I help you

ME: make it look like my wife did a murder

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.