Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”

Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.