Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
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Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Never forget.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.