Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

Pilgrim: What the hell is that?

Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.

– The first green bean casserole.

Stranger: Twitter is awful.

Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.

Stranger: But there are bad people…

Me: Sure, I just block them.

Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.

Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes

or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.

[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?