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APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak