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M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Just parrot things
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
