turtles are just lizards who work in construction
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Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year
The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.