Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

The United Steaks of America

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?