Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
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Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I am patiently waiting for your email
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
This is me
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE