Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
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me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.