Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
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“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you