Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
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NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.