Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
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OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
What?
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Super Hand Dog Face
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!