Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

Dune (2021)

[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.