Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss

Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon