Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
You Might Also Like
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say