Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.

his wife is probably gonna see that

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.