Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.

Cause I think it does.

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: weird but ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello soda

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*