Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

“A wine please”

“Sir, this is McDonalds…”

“Okay, a McWine please”

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

An amish party in the desert called churning man.