Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

How to lose a drone in 10 minutes

-a memoir by my husband and 7yo

[napping on couch]

Son: wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok i’ll be the cops.

Son: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Son: why not?

Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.

Son: oh.

Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

Well, my evening plans are ruined

Her: She’s a ten but she-

Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

What a website

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.