Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

time machine? you mean a clock?

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness