Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

Always the barmaid, never the bar.

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

Become ungovernable.

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

⚰

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.