TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
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i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky