TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
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My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
an airline just for babies.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set