Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

bout dat hot dog summer

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …

Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.