Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong