[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
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7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I got a sweater for Christmas.
I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.