TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
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it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
i will not be silenced
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians