TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
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Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Fights fire with marshmallows
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11