Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!

Job interviewer:…and a weakness?

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys