Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot