Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

Worst Native American name ever.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.