TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
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Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
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Me: Please take my kids for a little bit
School: lol snow
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*