Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?

Me: She’s a week old!

Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?

me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.

9yo: oh… so I should lie?

is this a threat

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.